Please enjoy my first full-length video commentary above! Let me know what you think in the comments and help spread edifying content by liking and subscribing! Thank you <3
I’ll call him Drake.
In 2016, Drake, a cavalier cocky charmer in Woodstock NY, destroyed me. Cut to the climactic conclusion of that story: Jesus rescued me. Thankfully, the outcome is one of redemption, but the drama leading up to that salvific moment was devastating.
Drake threatened to physically harm me, go after my 6 year old son, burn my house down, and ruin my active child custody court case. He intentionally spread rumours in a very small town, and then proceeded to look up the phone numbers of my relatives and tell them lies about me. All of this was to strong arm me into doing something unspeakable I didn’t want to do, but ultimately acquiesced out of fear.
I’ll be honest.
For years, I fantasized about walking into a bar and seeing him there, shaming him publicly, throwing a drink in his face, and kicking him you know where. I had my Oscar-winning monologue down pat. The rage I felt toward him fuelled me when I exercised, and toughened me against anyone else who might - unfortunately for them - attempt to give me a pinky’s worth of poo. Drake may have been an AP class in the school of hard knocks - it upped my street smarts for sure - and by the grace of God, I also learned of His fathomless mercy. But it resulted in more than hard knocks…it hardened my heart.
I’ll confess.
I have found it impossible to forgive this person.
It comes up, of course. And I try. Intellectually and doctrinally, I know I am supposed to. And sometimes I think I have. But then I still feel the venom of contempt in my heart, and I know I truly have not.
I’m not Jesus. I’m a little more like Peter - I wanna cut off this dude’s…ear. BUT. I do have the Holy Spirit in me. Forgiving someone may be out of my capacity…but not the Lord’s.
I mentioned in my last post a project I’m working on through an online ministry, Promise Bible Study, called the 40 Days of Prayer, in which we share a daily devotional during the liturgical season of Lent.
In tandem, I’ve been going through a workbook and setting a 40 Day fast-ish intentional time of reflection, deep spiritual seeking, and heart-examination. It has led to grief bubbling up unexpectedly, a humbling game of connect-the-dots, shadow boxing at the heavens, and revelations with a back-up angel band. (And I’m only on day 12.)
One day a series of ah-ha’s warranted a video journal entry that inspired me to turn into a vlog post.
In this video, I come clean about my forgiveness hangups, then come to realize that a hard heart is the undesired consequence, and that indeed it is Christ in me that overcomes and accomplishes such feats. Christ forgave a world full of sins - including my very own! Through the Spirit, the very same power to do so lives within me. From that perspective, it seems the least I can do.
And yet WOW to the intensity with which something in me does not want to let go. I think I am afraid to see what mess lies on the other side of that neglected walled-off chamber…
But as Oswald Chambers instructs us to do (full context/quote in video):
“…Bring it immediately into the light and confess, “Oh, Lord, I have been guilty there.” If you don’t, your heart will become hardened through and through. One of the penalties of sin is our acceptance of it.”
I am working to shine light upon "Drake", in an attempt to clear my soul and free some energy - to have a soft, supple heart. In an attempt to be like Jesus, saying: ”forgive them, Father” to the Kingdom of Drakeness, which killed him.
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